Dear diary…
Today is Monday, and it has only been three days since my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me. I feel as though I am in so much pain right now, and I can’t focus on anything but the relationship we had. I will (try to) not go into every detail of what happened, but it was a normal Friday morning for me until he walked into my apartment without greeting me or anything. I had no idea what was going on, except for the fact that he looked colder, and sterner than usual. This was not the same person I knew, because the same person I knew was happy and lovable just two days prior. He asked me to sit down on the couch whilst he sat on a chair some 30cm away, and he just said the words “we can’t be together”. I honestly didn’t know what to think at that second, and the next thing I knew, tears were just streaming down my face and I was inconsolable. I asked so many questions like why, how, and what, only to have been given the same answer that we couldn’t be together every time. I told him that I would change if that’s what it took – arguing less, dressing nicer, being more well-mannered, not blaming him for everything, letting him wear the pants in the relationship, etc. I constantly begged him to stay, that this didn’t have to be the final decision, or the end of US. I had never cried so much in my life in that painstaking 1.5 hours he was at mine, nor had I ever grieved so much over losing someone that day. It didn’t matter what I did, because he would forcibly push me away every time I tried to show any physical form of affection.
Anyways… I later learnt through his best friend that the reason for breaking-up was because he was tired of our dominant personalities clashing, and he couldn’t see a future with me due to our constant arguing. But what he never realised was they weren’t arguments, they were us giving each other our opinions on topics we felt strongly about, and I actually don’t see a problem with that. Sure, we may have disagreements on where to eat, what to do during the day, but doesn’t everyone? Is that not normal? And then from what I had heard, he went on to give more excuses for the break-up: speaking different dialects, greeting family members differently, different morals/values, and different futures – basically everything which seemed so small and insignificant, and shouldn’t have even been factors that affected the relationship to begin with. We’re far from perfect, and we’re really not that different in terms of our cultural backgrounds. I greet his parents the same way he greets mine, we both value the same things, and we have even spoken about the future together many times… though now the future seems uncertain because he’s been so set on his decision to end things with me.
Whilst I have been in three high school relationships in the past, this was the first relationship I had ever given serious consideration to. My boyfriend and I met in first year of university (10 September 2015) coincidentally, or fate brought us together as you could say. I was with a couple of friends heading to another campus building, and on the way there, our paths crossed when one of the friends I was with bumped into him. Little did I know that our mutual friend was his best friend, and later on he became our wing-man. I had never felt so much joy and happiness in a day after meeting him, as I never really considered any potentials in my first year of university. But over time, our relationship grew, our messages became 1000 word essays on 10 different topics, our calls would start at 12am and finish at 5am some days, and everything just seemed to fall into place. And as naive as it sounds, I still somewhat believe that we would be together indefinitely if not for that Friday he ended things with me.
Which brings me to say, I have barely eaten the last few days due to this situation. I don’t know what it is that’s wrong with me, but I’ve been getting stomach cramps, and other bowel related issues. It’s come to a point where my body will not feel like taking in any food because I feel nauseous after eating, and just studying is hard as I can’t put my mind off things. I read somewhere that your body goes into ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ mode after a break-up, and your cortisone and adrenaline levels rise hence why your body is acting this way. I don’t tell many of my friends (or try not to at least) about this issue with my body in fear that I will just get the same response each time – eat more, eat ice-cream, you need to eat something so your body can cope, but not realising that nothing I eat tastes good, nor is my body willing to process the food. (Allow myself to contradict everything I am saying here about consuming food in the paragraph below). I know that at some stage, things will get better, but for now, I like not being okay. I know it sounds so stupid… because really, I should be a strong woman who needs to get up and move on with the world, but at the same time, it’s comforting to have my friends support me during this time.
My friends as I have mentioned prior (or gal pals I should say, who also happen to be mutual friends with him to) — have just been incredible. I am so thankful to have a wonderful support network considering moving interstate four years ago was pretty hard – not knowing anyone, having to make new friends, and then realising who would be there for me, and who wouldn’t. Everyone has been so understanding, and eating with each of them can be quite comforting, considering I haven’t been eating properly over the last few days (eating yogurt for breakfast and then nothing throughout the day is what my diet is looking like). Hanging out with them has also been a great coping mechanism as it means I don’t have to lock myself in my student apartment and be alone, which quite frankly, can be very lonely and gloomy at times (especially when it comes to meals). Being away from home is hard too… At first, I didn’t confess to my mum what happened in fear she would lash out at me, but instead I mustered up the courage to tell her the day after she called and realised something was wrong in the tone of my voice. To my surprise, she was more understanding than ever, though she now dislikes him. She’s rung me three days in a row now, and I just have to put on a brave voice and tell her I am doing fine…though really, I’m not. But fake it till you make it right..?
As for my boyfriend (I can’t bring myself to call him my ex just yet), well… he refuses to see me unless we meet up for lunch as “friends” (but not as a couple), to finalise the break-up. I couldn’t give into that offer knowing how much it would hurt me to face him and sitting there knowing we couldn’t be together anymore. I have truly given everything I could that Friday and Saturday – whether it was leaving 50 or more phone-calls, or countless messages only to be left on ‘seen’. I have always been a firm believer that if you try hard, good things will come… but it doesn’t seem to hold true for this relationship, and I can’t seem to understand why everything I do isn’t working as planned. He keeps on telling me that I am a wonderful girl who deserves everything and more, and that I should find someone who treats me like a queen. I won’t deny that there may be guys better than him, but why should I care? I don’t want better is what I have told all my girls – I just want the same. In all fairness, neither he, nor I, have done anything wrong to deserve this break-up. Yes, there were stressful times, especially having not seen each other for the 3 months of me being back interstate for the summer break. But we made a pledge to each other that we would make things work because we genuinely loved each other, and wanted to give each other our all. I’m not sure where we went wrong… am I not good enough? Did he get tired of me being so opinionated just as he was? Did he want someone who was elegant, less dominant, and submissive as per his criteria? No one is able to figure out why he left me so suddenly, and till this day I am still trying to process everything as best as I can.
They say it takes time to move on, and time will heal. I can’t deny the advice my friends have given me, but it’s just so hard right now that I have to be allowed to mourn. This isn’t the first time I’ve been through a break-up so I know what it’s like, but this time it’s different due to our circumstances – fact is we were dead-set on graduating university together, me moving permanently so I could be with him, us working full-time office positions, earning a good income to buy a house, becoming engaged at 24, getting married at 25, and having children at 27. Some people might think I’m crazy, but to know now that these things won’t happen with the same guy just hurts so much. Goals like this aren’t rare, and they can happen if two people believe in it. It might sound dumb for me to say this, but I have hope in us that one day we might end up meeting one another again. All our friends are mutual(s), and he’s broken up with me thinking that I wouldn’t continue hurting if I wasn’t with him anymore. But who is to make that judgement that I was hurting in the first place but me? (And which in fact is untrue because I was a lot happier before he left…) Who is to tell me who I can, and can’t be with but me? Only I can determine my own happiness, and the relationship I want to be in. There is not one day that goes by that I still don’t love him or miss him, and I know it’s not wrong for me to feel that way for I have done the same every day in the 2.5 years we were together.
But for now, I will allow myself to mourn, and seek comfort from loved ones if need be…
— itsjacey
Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema @Unsplash
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